By Genevieve Fahey, Marriage and Family Therapist, Sacramento
Published on January 14, 2021
For some individuals, being polyamorous or monogamous is an innate orientation rather than a conscious choice. It’s as if they are wired that way. But what happens when a polyamorous person and a monogamous person find themselves falling in love? How do they navigate the complexities of such a relationship?
Key Takeaways
The Intricacies of Mono/Poly Relationships
These relationships, often referred to as “Mono/Poly Relationships,” have garnered attention within the polyamorous community. Unlike monogamous relationships, where the norms are well-defined, these unique dynamics require thoughtful consideration. The poly community is divided on how to approach Mono/Poly Relationships, with some advising against involvement due to negative experiences.
In some cases, mono partners have struggled with feelings of insecurity, jealousy, or the fear of being excluded. However, success stories do exist. For example, some couples have reached an understanding where the poly partner can have multiple relationships while the mono partner remains monogamous. This approach, though unconventional, has proven to be a common and viable option for many Mono/Poly couples. Sometimes, the mono partner may explore dating while the poly partner supports their journey. Alternatively, the poly partner may decide to engage in a monogamous relationship with their partner for valid reasons. Each couple must negotiate and determine the path that feels right for them.
When entering a Mono/Poly Relationship, there are crucial considerations to keep in mind. Let’s explore some valuable first steps that can help establish a strong foundation for the relationship:
Identifying Needs and Open Communication
It’s essential to be clear and honest about your needs and emotions. Initiate a conversation with your partner, acknowledging that it may be uncomfortable or painful at times. Reassure them that this discussion is about understanding each other and that no immediate decisions need to be made.
Healthy Communication Strategies
Strong emotions may arise during these conversations. It’s important to hold space for each other and avoid resorting to unhealthy communication patterns. Acknowledge any impulses to fix or bury feelings and instead express your needs to your partner as a potential avenue for resolution.
Patience and Understanding
Building trust and understanding is key. Curiosity and open-mindedness play a vital role in this process. If you’re the poly partner, your mono partner may have questions and concerns about what being polyamorous means for your relationship. Be patient, provide reassurance, and emphasize that not all questions need answering immediately. Take the time to reflect on the emotions and information shared before making concrete decisions.
Kindness and Empathy
It’s crucial to challenge any ingrained toxic monogamous beliefs that may arise from societal conditioning. Polyamorous individuals should not have to apologize for their orientation. Conversely, monogamous partners may experience a range of emotions, including heartbreak or feelings of abandonment. Both partners must prioritize kindness and avoid derogatory stereotypes or blame. Remember, differing needs do not equate to fault.
Ongoing Communication and Planning
Continual check-ins become instrumental in maintaining a healthy Mono/Poly Relationship. Explore any changes or discoveries regarding your relationship orientations, needs, and fears. These conversations may be uncomfortable, but they foster growth and strengthen your bond. If you decide to embrace openness, create a plan that works for both partners and ensures mutual comfort and consent.
Forge Your Own Path
Reject societal norms and expectations that dictate what your relationship should look like. Empower yourselves to define your unique dynamic. Be relationship anarchists, charting a course that aligns with your values and desires.
Genevieve Fahey is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in Sacramento with eight years of clinical experience. As someone who identifies as Queer, she is dedicated to offering informed therapeutic services to under-served communities, including the LGBTQQI and Poly communities. Genevieve believes in supporting individuals who are forging their own paths. In her practice, she works alongside Halo, a therapy dog who adds an element of comfort and companionship.
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