Learning to love oneself before loving another is key to a successful relationship
Recovering from addiction is a challenging journey that brings about significant changes in an individual’s life. One area that warrants careful consideration is dating after achieving sobriety. Tanya Desloover, MA, CADCII, a marriage and family therapist intern in Newport Beach, California, sheds light on the importance of waiting and self-discovery before jumping into a romantic relationship.
The Dangers of Rushing into Relationships
Early in recovery, individuals tend to be emotionally vulnerable and may choose partners who reflect their own emotional immaturity. Desloover explains that it takes time to develop new skills and integrate them into daily life. By rushing into a relationship too soon, individuals are likely to choose someone who is at a similar emotional maturity level. This can hinder personal growth and potentially lead to unhealthy dynamics.
Breaking the Cycle of Dysfunction
In the throes of addiction, individuals often find themselves trapped in dysfunctional relationships. This pattern can persist even during recovery, as people tend to gravitate towards partners who mirror their emotional maturity at any given stage. However, as individuals progress in their recovery journey, they begin to build their self-esteem and confidence. With this newfound sense of self-worth, they are more likely to demand healthier treatment from their partners.
From Substance Abuse to Love Addiction
Recovery is a full-time commitment that involves learning to navigate life without relying on substances. However, this newfound sobriety can create a vacuum that individuals may try to fill with relationships. Desloover warns against the dangers of replacing drug addiction with love addiction, where the pursuit of a new relationship becomes a substitute for the “high” of substance abuse. It is crucial to address the underlying issues before embarking on a romantic journey.
Pitfalls of Dating in Early Recovery
Various pitfalls can arise when individuals rush into relationships during early recovery. These include pressuring a partner into a relationship, being overly desperate or clingy, waiting to be rescued, attempting to fix the other person or expecting to be fixed, being consumed by lust or attraction, and oversharing or withholding emotions. It is essential to recognize and address these issues to foster healthy relationships.
Surviving the First Year of Recovery
The initial year of recovery should primarily focus on self-improvement and personal growth. Desloover emphasizes the importance of attending support meetings, working the 12 Steps, and discovering one’s identity before pursuing romantic relationships. By understanding oneself and what one has to offer, individuals can seek a partner who aligns with their values, interests, and goals. Taking the time to build a stable foundation will increase the likelihood of a healthy and fulfilling relationship.
Patience is Key
Recovery is a gradual process that requires patience and perseverance. While progress may feel slow, it is crucial to dedicate the first year solely to personal growth and recovery. Clearing the emotional wreckage and overcoming feelings of shame, guilt, and denial takes time. The longer an individual stays sober, the greater the chance of maintaining long-term sobriety.
Planning for the Future
After crossing the one-year mark, individuals can gradually reintegrate dating into their lives. However, therapy should continue for at least another year to maintain healthy dating habits and address any insecurities or lingering issues. There are numerous opportunities to meet potential partners outside of bars, such as through AA meetings, volunteer work, and community events. By prioritizing safety, compatibility, and genuine connection, individuals can cultivate relationships that enhance their recovery journey.
Dating in recovery presents unique challenges, but it also offers the opportunity to form authentic and fulfilling partnerships. By prioritizing personal growth, embracing patience, and maintaining a long-term plan, individuals can navigate the dating scene successfully while staying true to their recovery goals. Remember, a healthy relationship can be more rewarding than any substance-induced “high”.
For more information and resources on dating in recovery, please visit Six Minute Dates.