By Kate Double, MSW, LCSW
Have you ever experienced a shift in the atmosphere when you’re with someone? A change in the dynamics without knowing why? It’s called co-regulation, the way our nervous system connects with someone else’s, creating a new nervous system between us. Maya Angelou once said, “People won’t remember what you said, they won’t remember what you did, but they will remember how you made them feel.” Co-regulation is all about how we make each other feel.
The Dance of Nervous Systems
Co-regulation is not just an interpersonal process; it’s a neurological and biological phenomenon. When you yawn, I yawn too. If you laugh, I feel happy. When you shed tears, I am moved. Our emotions, as well as our physical state, are influenced by the people around us. It’s not that you’re generating my feelings, nor are you responsible for them. We unconsciously affect each other in profound ways. This co-regulating effect can be strong in any relationship, but it’s especially potent in familial and romantic connections.
As humans, we are pack animals. We are not meant to live in isolation. Relationships are the bedrock of our existence. Understanding co-regulation allows us to become aware of the intricate interplay between our nervous systems. With this awareness, we can shape the dynamics of our relationships to make them healthier, happier, and more fulfilling. Significant partnerships can heal our attachment wounds and complex trauma, but they can also exacerbate them if not approached with care.
The Journey Begins Before Birth
The journey of co-regulation starts before we even have the ability to self-regulate. It begins in the womb, where an unborn baby hears the calming voice of their mother, feeling soothed by her movements. From birth, parents rock their infants, hold them, speak to them, and smile at them. It’s through this interaction that babies learn to communicate and co-regulate. As they grow, children look to their parents to know how to react in certain situations. By observing their parents’ calm responses, children learn to self-regulate, self-soothe, and cope with their emotions.
RL Knost once said, “When little people are overwhelmed with big emotions, it is our job to share our calm, not join their chaos.” This is co-regulation in action. When parents consistently and adequately respond to children’s needs, they learn the vital skill of self-regulation. On the other hand, when parents are not responsive, children may struggle to develop self-regulation, impacting their relationships throughout life. By gaining understanding, insight, and new skills, we can break free from these patterns.
The Therapeutic Power of Co-regulation
In therapy, co-regulation takes center stage. Therapists, consciously or unconsciously, employ various techniques to create a safe and calm environment for their patients. Through their soothing tone, focused presence, and emotional attunement, therapists can quickly observe the positive effects of co-regulation. This state of relaxation and focus allows patients to experience a shift in their thinking and emotional well-being. Therapy provides patients with new ways of relating to others and themselves, making it a deeply healing experience.
Co-regulating in Romantic Relationships
Romantic partnerships are a ripe ground for co-regulation. Couples are constantly co-regulating, even if they are unaware of it. This co-regulation can lead to a sense of safety and connection, but in troubled relationships, it can also create a heightened sense of danger. Our internal systems send signals to our partners’, inviting either calm or triggering fight, flight, or freeze responses. Though largely unconscious, with increased awareness, we can harness the power of both self-regulation and co-regulation to transform our relationship dynamics. Understanding the impact of our nervous systems on those we love can motivate us to develop effective emotional regulation skills, leading to healing and growth in our relationships.
To embrace the power of co-regulation, start by noticing how you and your partner influence each other’s emotional state. Be aware of the impact others have on your emotional well-being and vice versa. Take the time to learn strategies for self-soothing, such as relaxation techniques, meditation, yoga, or engaging in activities that bring you calm. Creating a positive community around you is also vital, as loneliness can disrupt your emotional regulation. Remember, focusing on yourself rather than trying to change others is the key to transforming relationship dynamics. Seek guidance from a therapist who can help you navigate the complexities of co-regulation and foster healthier connections in all aspects of your life.
To learn more about the power of co-regulation and its role in building fulfilling relationships, visit Six Minute Dates.
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